Finally a guest review!

Horrors of Spider Island

Hello all! Monica and I have decided to bring a little more culture and refinement to the Duh! Spot with some wine and movie pairings! We're a bit tired of hearing about finicky Ida Sue. We're also tired of hearing about the varied flavors of beer. It all tastes like cat piss if you ask us, not that we've ever tried cat piss; except for "the yummy beer." Read previous entries here to find that one.

Anyway, on to the film -- short synopsis -- a plane bound for Singapore crashes near a desolate Pacific island, stranding a troupe of dancers. They soon find that a radioactive spider is on the island. The manager is bitten and mutates into a crazed arachnid man bent on killing them all.

But, the film is so much more. The movie starts with Mr. Gary Webster auditioning a group of girls for their sexy legs and dancing skills. Gary, his trusty assistant Georgia, and the seven chosen girls embark on a flight to Singapore. The girls on the trip to Singapore are Georgia, the prim assistant; Babs, the curvy, slutty blonde; Ann, the sweet girl from Minnesota; Kate, the southern girl; Linda, the tough, trampy stripper; Gladys, the brunette and 2 interchangeable blondes May and Nelly. For the most part there's hardly any real character development with the girls. Each is given a distinguishable accent so you have some clue who they are when they're talking.

Somewhere over the Pacific the plane bursts into flames and nosedives into a clearly unsurvivable and horrific crash.

Cut to a life raft. Crying, suffering girls in wet, slightly ragged dresses yet with nylons and heels still in place. The manager tries to maintain control over the girls and the water supply with the girls moaning and begging for water, interestingly nary a flight crewmember is in sight. Four days of floating at sea and they finally spot land. Exhausted, they splash ashore and collapse on the beach; still in their heels.

The next day, Gary rises ahead of the rest, removes his shirt and explores the island. He discovers a waterfall nearby and calls for the girls to join him. As he reaches his cupped hands into the water and brings them to his mouth to drink, an OVERLY loud "slurp, slurp" sound is heard. Hilarious! The dubbing throughout this movie is a constant source of entertainment.

All the girls show up then, tripping and scrambling over the rocks to get to the water - moaning and slurping and splashing. After no more than a minute of refreshment, Gary, apparently embracing his role as man-in-charge, is hounding the girls, "All right girls, that's enough. Let's go have a look around!" Gary is all set for island explorations, having donned his shirt again and making a show of tucking it tightly into his belted trousers. The girls follow suit, smoothing their tattered dresses, adjusting stockings and putting on their heels for a trek around the island. They all look smashing!

The group troops off into the woods, (yes, woods! I know it's the South Pacific) -- heels and all. As they pass through a clearing, one of the girls notices a hammer on a rocky outcropping. Gary cleverly discerns that this must mean there is someone already on the island. He further identifies that it is "a hammer with a long handle, it must be for the purpose of excavating some sort of metal, most probably uranium." Damn! Gary sure is smart for a dance troupe manager! Nelly asks, "Can you eat that [uranium]?" Gary replies, "Yeah, you can try it; come on, let's go and find out!" Umm, maybe he's not so smart.

The group continues on and discovers a cabin. Inside the cabin, they find the lifeless body of an old man, trapped in a giant spider web! The girls flee screaming into the woods nearby, but Gary and his sidekick, Georgia, remain to investigate. Just in case we're unclear on what they've found, Georgia clarifies for us, "A dead man - in a giant web!" Scene cuts to the unnerved group of girls in the woods, behind them in the tree, we see our spider for the first time. The girls wander back to the cabin and now we see the spider on the ground; he is the size of a small dog. We've seen more lifelike animatronic characters in Disneyland rides.

Back in the dead scientist's cabin, the group helps themselves to food, clothing and supplies. Gary tries to maintain order as the girls engage in some entertaining catfights over the clothing -- fights which soon prove pointless, as the heat forces all the girls to strip to their bras and panties. Wait, what I am saying, there's no such thing as a pointless catfight! At least in terms of entertainment value!

The girls file out to the porch to sleep, and Gary, once again shirtless, heads out for a little walk. He makes it as far as the porch only to be seduced by the trampiest dancer, Linda. They embrace and kiss but are caught by a shocked Georgia; Gary blames the heat for his behavior and rushes off into the dark woods. Georgia slaps Linda twice in the face. Linda smirks. Hey, at least she got a little action!

A storm develops and scenes cut back and forth between Gary running blindly in the woods, the spider, and the spider's perspective - watching Gary approach. Gary stops to rest by a tree and the spider leaps on his back and bites him in the neck. He fights with the spider, finally wresting it off and throwing it to the ground. He shoots it four times with a small handgun, but not before the venom enters his system. In the subsequent lightning flashes, we see that Gary has turned into a spider! One who resembles the wolfman, stuck in mid-transformation. The girls hear the shots, but due to the storm, wait to investigate. The next day, Georgia takes charge and sends the girls out in different directions to find Gary. Linda is told to remain behind, she's a bit of a bitch and happily complies. While everyone is away, Gary the Wolf spider, attacks and kills her by drowning her in the small tidal pool she had found. Linda's dying scream draws everyone back to the cabin where she is found dead in the pool with two bite marks on her neck.

Linda's death seriously stresses the girls out. The pressure gets too much for them to bear and a catfight breaks out between Babs and Nelly! Lot of entertainment in the form of whipping, straddling, hair-pulling, slapping, and rolling around on the floor. The other girls watch with knuckle-biting interest, but no one intervenes. The fight comes to an abrupt end as the girls notice Gary the Wolf spider reaching his claws (?) in through the window on either side of Georgia's lovely neck. The girls' screams scare him off and Georgia shows off the unique ability to faint standing up.

Morning arrives and the girls are found futilely shouting at a passing ship several miles offshore. Later in the day, a small boat pulls ashore with two men aboard, Bob and Joe. Bob and Joe have arrived to bring supplies to the scientist (previously found dead in the spider web). Bob spies 4 of the girls skinny dipping in a protected cove and he can't believe his eyes. Bob grabs one of the girls. The girls flee the cove to report the disappearance of one of the girls. On the way back to the cabin, the girls find the dead spider shot several times and realize that Gary must have shot it. Gladys (?), the girl grabbed by Bob, willingly begins to make out with Bob. It's just been so many days without a man, you know!

The other girls find Joe making his way to the scientist's cabin. After their initial reservations are cleared up, the girls realize that they're being rescued. Hurrah! Bob and Joe comment on how the missing dance troupe has been in all of the newspapers. The girls are excited about how famous they're all going to be when they return!

The group decides to throw a party with lots of drinking, dancing, and music. The girls dress in amazingly fashionable and sexy island-themed bikinis - hmm, wonder where they found all those bikinis? Anyway -- lots of curvy breasts and bare legs galore! Joe starts to flirt with the naïve and sweet girl Ann from Minnesota. Interesting how real character development doesn't come until the final third of the movie!

The rest of the girls all begin a relentless competitive seduction of the young stud, Bob. Bob decides not to be picky and smoothly transitions from one girl to the next. Gladys has apparently fallen in love with Bob (in less than 24 hours) and is dismayed by his philandering at the party. Bob and Joe argue and then fight each over the "honor" of the girls, knocking each other silly inside the cabin before finally laughing themselves to this conclusion--- Bob realizes that Gladys is a girl he could get serious with (all this in less than 24 hours) and goes to find Gladys. Bob is surprised by Gary the Wolf spider and killed before he can tell Gladys of his epiphany. Tragically his death takes place off camera.

Gladys finds Bob's body and screams when she sees Gary the Wolf spider. To escape him, Gladys inexplicably decides to climb up a treacherous cliff; pursued by Gary, she then falls to her death (shock!). Joe confronts Gary, but then quickly flees when he realizes his gun has no bullets. Gary then threatens Georgia who screams and calls out his name. He chooses not to kill her and heads out into the woods. (yes, woods! You know, the woods you normally find on a Pacific island.)

Joe and the girls all grab flares and chase Gary through the woods and across a field of tall wheat-like grass. Just what Pacific island is this? Unfortunately for Gary, his escape route leads directly to an area of quicksand. Joe and the girls all watch as Gary struggles, splashing and sinking into the quicksand as the sun sets.

The expedition ship returns to take them all off the island.

Goodies:

Babeage: Lots of trampy slutty zoftig girls either catfighting or in mild peril.

Sleazeploitation: Not very much. Some groping and kissing action between the girls and Bob but doesn't last long enough to become truly sleazy

Beasts, Freaks, and Weirdos: Gary as the bizarre mutant spider man is the only beast. However all of the time he spent walking around without his shirt on made him quite the freak to begin with.

Violence: Almost none. All of the deaths happen off-screen.

Gore & FX: No gore at all. I think calling the mutant spider a special effect would be insulting to all other special effects in movies.

Some great quotes:

Bob talking to Joe: "What are dancers? Hot goods for cold nights."

Babs to Gary, "I've already been to Singapore."
Gary replies, "And you look like it."

Moral: Disappearing while on a trip overseas can lead to a life of fame and notoriety. Hmmm, or maybe crashing on a Pacific island is not a very hard thing to survive - Tom Hanks was a wimp.

Conclusion:

We liked Horrors of Spider Island. It's a bit of late night entertainment. The dubbing over the German original,Toter hing im Netz, Ein, is a constant source of amusement. Apparently the original version was much more risque than the edited US version we watched with several nude scenes. So the movie has all the basics; curvy girls in peril, a mildly creepy creature, some poorly lit scenes, and a somewhat satisfying ending. Not nearly enough suspense, gore, or sex for our tastes but amusing nonetheless. Normals will find it boring.

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Photos for this review were,...uhm...uh...provided courtesy of Horror-Wood and Club Des Monstres. Uh, yeah.

-BigRuta